Me: I feel like these sunglasses would be an investment. What do you think?
Mom: *farts* That's what I think.
I got these for you. I’ve heard these are, uh, great for your vagina.
“
| — | My mom, as she hands me cans of pineapple. |
On going to the cemetery around Christmas time
Mom: The cemetary should have a gift shop. I would get a shirt that says, "My parents died and all I got was this t-shirt."
That one time my mom came home from the drug store with a box of Just For Men hair dye and I asked her what on earth she would need it for and she told me that her pubic hair is getting grey and therefor must be dyed and I immediately wished I didn’t ask.
Me: I don't know, I think my boobs are my best asset. I think that's all I have going for me.
Mom: Really? I would say your long hair is your best asset.
Me: Mom, you're taking me to cut it off in like an hour. Why would you say this to me now?
Mom: Oh. Sorry.
Mom: Your brother got a gecko. It's really cute. They said it's a beginners lizard.
Me: What if we rated people like that? Would I be a beginners person? Intermediate? Or expert?
Mom: In terms of feeding and taking care of?
Me: No, in terms of dealing with me. Like, what level would you have to be to deal with me on a day to day basis.
Mom: Expert. Definitely.
