Me: I feel like these sunglasses would be an investment. What do you think?
Mom: *farts* That's what I think.
I got these for you. I’ve heard these are, uh, great for your vagina.
My mom, as she hands me cans of pineapple.
On going to the cemetery around Christmas time
Mom: The cemetary should have a gift shop. I would get a shirt that says, "My parents died and all I got was this t-shirt."
That one time my mom came home from the drug store with a box of Just For Men hair dye and I asked her what on earth she would need it for and she told me that her pubic hair is getting grey and therefor must be dyed and I immediately wished I didn’t ask.
Me: I don't know, I think my boobs are my best asset. I think that's all I have going for me.
Mom: Really? I would say your long hair is your best asset.
Me: Mom, you're taking me to cut it off in like an hour. Why would you say this to me now?
Mom: Oh. Sorry.
Mom: Your brother got a gecko. It's really cute. They said it's a beginners lizard.
Me: What if we rated people like that? Would I be a beginners person? Intermediate? Or expert?
Mom: In terms of feeding and taking care of?
Me: No, in terms of dealing with me. Like, what level would you have to be to deal with me on a day to day basis.
Mom: Expert. Definitely.
I had to do a pube check!
She says this to me before we go to a water park.
Someone tell my mom to stop using her NoNo in the living room. It smells like burnt toe hair.
My mom has a Gene Simmons Family Jewels situation.
Taylor Lautner is ALL MAN.
My mother is forty three years old.