Me: I feel like these sunglasses would be an investment. What do you think?
Mom: *farts* That's what I think.
I got these for you. I’ve heard these are, uh, great for your vagina.– My mom, as she hands me cans of pineapple.
On going to the cemetery around Christmas time
Mom: The cemetary should have a gift shop. I would get a shirt that says, "My parents died and all I got was this t-shirt."
That one time my mom came home from the drug store with a box of Just For Men hair dye and I asked her what on earth she would need it for and she told me that her pubic hair is getting grey and therefor must be dyed and I immediately wished I didn’t ask.
Me: I don't know, I think my boobs are my best asset. I think that's all I have going for me.
Mom: Really? I would say your long hair is your best asset.
Me: Mom, you're taking me to cut it off in like an hour. Why would you say this to me now?
Mom: Oh. Sorry.
Mom: Your brother got a gecko. It's really cute. They said it's a beginners lizard.
Me: What if we rated people like that? Would I be a beginners person? Intermediate? Or expert?
Mom: In terms of feeding and taking care of?
Me: No, in terms of dealing with me. Like, what level would you have to be to deal with me on a day to day basis.
Mom: Expert. Definitely.
I had to do a pube check!– She says this to me before we go to a water park.
Someone tell my mom to stop using her NoNo in the living room. It smells like burnt toe hair.
My mom has a Gene Simmons Family Jewels situation.
Taylor Lautner is ALL MAN.– My mother is forty three years old.
Mom: Stop mocking my card making efforts!
Me: I'm sorry I'm just tired and I hate everyone.
Why didn’t you invite Meg to smoke a joint with you? So rude.– My mom said this to my brother and cousin because they always hang out and smoke weed without me. (via fuckyeahgirlcrush)
You have to put out if you want a corsage.– Prom wisdom from the mother who skipped prom to have a baby.
My dad is better than your dad.– JESUS CHRIST MOM IT’S NOT A COMPETITION
I don’t think teenagers like strong cheese.– My mother is showing that she’s down with the kids by preparing a cheese plate for pre-prom.
STOP THAT– My mom yells as I repeatedly jump into her convertible without opening the door. Sorry, but you don’t buy a car without a top and expect me NOT to jump into it.
I’m gonna make a post on the internet about the ingrown hair on your...– I said to my mom right before I made a post about the ingrown hair on her vagina
No Country For Old Men
Me: Whatcha watching?
Mom: Um, I'm not sure. No Grumpy Men In The Country? I think that's it.
Please stop telling me about all the older men you find attractive, I...– This is how I punish my mom for talking in stupid gooey voices to her husband in my presence.
If you keep it up, I’m going to talk about “kinky fuckery” the...– My mother is taking 50 Shades of Grey far too seriously.
My mum saw a picture of a girl wearing lots of make-up and a kind of low-cut top and called her a whore on facebook. No, mother, that doesn’t make you a whore. Having sex with people for money does.
I really want Beefaroni. When can I have a steak? Can I have ribs?– My mom got a tooth pulled and because she was really nervous about it they put her completely under and now she’s really high and talking about different kinds of meats.
My mom’s history on her iPad says that she searched “movies starring Keanu Reeves” on IMDb.
I told my mom Nickelback is coming to our city and her eyes lit up and she gasped, “Really?!”
Her entire PVR is filled with Oprah specials and Long Island Medium.
My mom believed in Santa until she was fifteen.
I bet Lisbeth’s the killer.– My mom, completely seriously, while watching TGWTDT
She said she’s not a fan of Keira Knightley or her face, so I went up to her in the middle of the grocery store, covered her mouth and said, “Hush up, hush up! Not in my house!”
My mom flirted with a waiter by asking where the bathroom was, then threatened to piss on the floor if he didn’t show her.
What is 420? What’s a “pipe”? A “headshop”? Are...– Parents just don’t understand.
If something is popular and it sells a million copies, that means it’s...– My mother trying to defend her love of fanfiction (AKA Fifty Shades of Grey)
Mom: Can I borrow Shame?
Me: You said you hate depressing movies.
Mom: I thought Shame was a sexy movie.
Me: Mom. It's about a hardcore sex addict. And it's called SHAME.
Mom: ... Is it a sexy sex addict?
I’ve bought Fifty Shades of Grey for four women in my office. It’s...– My mom is single-handedly spreading that virus of a book to the world.
I was watching 16 and Pregnant and my mom comes in...
Mom: Is this the Blair Witch Project?
I could eat five pounds of mushrooms!– Mom, on what she wants for dinner
jesshaskinks asked: Perfect picture is the picture of perfection.
Me: How do you feel about Rick Santorum pulling out of the race?
Mom: Well, he's got thirteen kids, I don't think he has pulled out too much!
*Rick Santorum has eight children, not thirteen. I don't know why she said thirteen.