Dumb Stuff Our Moms Say

Me: I feel like these sunglasses would be an investment. What do you think?

Sun, 05 May 2013 22:09:17 -0400

Me: I feel like these sunglasses would be an investment. What do you think?
Mom: *farts* That's what I think.

"I got these for you. I’ve heard these are, uh, great for your vagina."

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 00:51:31 -0400

“I got these for you. I’ve heard these are, uh, great for your vagina.”

- My mom, as she hands me cans of pineapple.

On going to the cemetery around Christmas time

Mon, 24 Dec 2012 15:50:58 -0500

Mom: The cemetary should have a gift shop. I would get a shirt that says, "My parents died and all I got was this t-shirt."

That one time my mom came home from the drug store with a box of Just For Men hair dye and I asked...

Sun, 14 Oct 2012 01:10:09 -0400

That one time my mom came home from the drug store with a box of Just For Men hair dye and I asked her what on earth she would need it for and she told me that her pubic hair is getting grey and therefor must be dyed and I immediately wished I didn’t ask.

Me: I don't know, I think my boobs are my best asset. I think that's all I have going for me.

Sat, 06 Oct 2012 12:24:11 -0400

Me: I don't know, I think my boobs are my best asset. I think that's all I have going for me.
Mom: Really? I would say your long hair is your best asset.
Me: Mom, you're taking me to cut it off in like an hour. Why would you say this to me now?
Mom: Oh. Sorry.

Mom: Your brother got a gecko. It's really cute. They said it's a beginners lizard.

Wed, 26 Sep 2012 22:51:16 -0400

Mom: Your brother got a gecko. It's really cute. They said it's a beginners lizard.
Me: What if we rated people like that? Would I be a beginners person? Intermediate? Or expert?
Mom: In terms of feeding and taking care of?
Me: No, in terms of dealing with me. Like, what level would you have to be to deal with me on a day to day basis.
Mom: Expert. Definitely.

"I had to do a pube check!"

Mon, 20 Aug 2012 11:13:45 -0400

“I had to do a pube check!”

- She says this to me before we go to a water park.

Someone tell my mom to stop using her NoNo in the living room. It smells like burnt toe hair.

Tue, 19 Jun 2012 17:46:48 -0400

Someone tell my mom to stop using her NoNo in the living room. It smells like burnt toe hair.

My mom has a Gene Simmons Family Jewels situation.

Mon, 18 Jun 2012 21:43:35 -0400

My mom has a Gene Simmons Family Jewels situation.

"Taylor Lautner is ALL MAN."

Sat, 16 Jun 2012 22:22:05 -0400

“Taylor Lautner is ALL MAN.”

- My mother is forty three years old.

Mom: Stop mocking my card making efforts!

Fri, 15 Jun 2012 14:50:23 -0400

Mom: Stop mocking my card making efforts!
Me: I'm sorry I'm just tired and I hate everyone.

"Why didn’t you invite Meg to smoke a joint with you? So rude."

Tue, 12 Jun 2012 17:40:45 -0400

“Why didn’t you invite Meg to smoke a joint with you? So rude.”

- My mom said this to my brother and cousin because they always hang out and smoke weed without me. (via fuckyeahgirlcrush)

"You have to put out if you want a corsage."

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 18:23:40 -0400

“You have to put out if you want a corsage.”

- Prom wisdom from the mother who skipped prom to have a baby.

"My dad is better than your dad."

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 17:33:23 -0400

“My dad is better than your dad.”

- JESUS CHRIST MOM IT’S NOT A COMPETITION

"I don’t think teenagers like strong cheese."

Thu, 07 Jun 2012 16:04:26 -0400

“I don’t think teenagers like strong cheese.”

- My mother is showing that she’s down with the kids by preparing a cheese plate for pre-prom.

"STOP THAT"

Wed, 06 Jun 2012 07:29:46 -0400

“STOP THAT”

- My mom yells as I repeatedly jump into her convertible without opening the door. Sorry, but you don’t buy a car without a top and expect me NOT to jump into it.

"I’m gonna make a post on the internet about the ingrown hair on your vagina!"

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:39:21 -0400

“I’m gonna make a post on the internet about the ingrown hair on your vagina!”

- I said to my mom right before I made a post about the ingrown hair on her vagina

No Country For Old Men

Sun, 13 May 2012 17:08:39 -0400

Me: Whatcha watching?
Mom: Um, I'm not sure. No Grumpy Men In The Country? I think that's it.

"Please stop telling me about all the older men you find attractive, I don’t want to picture my..."

Sat, 12 May 2012 01:57:50 -0400

“Please stop telling me about all the older men you find attractive, I don’t want to picture my beautiful seventeen year old daughter being groped and violated by some 60 year old man with saggy skin.”

- This is how I punish my mom for talking in stupid gooey voices to her husband in my presence.

"If you keep it up, I’m going to talk about “kinky fuckery” the next time your..."

Tue, 08 May 2012 23:38:31 -0400

“If you keep it up, I’m going to talk about “kinky fuckery” the next time your friends come over.”

- My mother is taking 50 Shades of Grey far too seriously.